I've always been a passionate person, someone who speaks her minds and is considered quite outspoken in both a good and bad way. I can be opinionated and quick to react to any given situation, hence why my meditation practice is very important to me. Althought I am all of these things, I am also the first person to admit wrong doing, or to apologize when I've crossed the line. I am very aware of my ability to go from 0-100 in the blink of an eye and how hurtfull that can be to the ones I loves. My biggest personal and inner struggle has always been trying to slow down my reaction time and not let myself get carried away trying to right every wrong. Who am I to determin what is right and wrong anyway.
I was doing wonderfully with this self improvement until our baby was born. Once he came into our physical world, momma bear came out in full force, dug her heels in and took control. And I mean took control over everthing. The days of letting things come and go and taking everything in stride suddenly came to a halt. It's such a stupid way to be too. Let's be real for a moment. I have no clue what the right way is either. I'm new at parenting and never so much as babysat before Holden was born, the only thing I have going for me is instict. Yet, I seem to act as though I know what is best and any other way is not even worth listening to. To really break it down, I'm basically confused, tired, insecure and over worked but feel guilty about feeling this way so put up a steal armour front where I am in control and am all knowing. Such fucking shit right! No one can read my mind so punishing my husband, for example, for not knowing exaclty how I would go about dealing with a certain situation is a complete waste of time and energy. The only thing I manage to accomplish is disturbing the peace, making myself and the kindest man I know feel like horseshit and am then left apologizing yet again. Like, who is even taking me seriously at this point? It's a vicious cycle and one I will break. Being a total brat is not justifiable but I will justify it anyway. I think a lot of new moms can relate to this. Once you become pregnant everything changes. Your body takes the brunt of the changes but it doesn't stop there. Your hormones change, your friends change, your home changes and its all happening so quickly. Once your baby arrives even more changing and adjusting takes place and this continues forever. Don't get me wrong, I love our son more then I ever thought was possible but these changes take some getting used to and trial and error before falling into a daily flow that works for everyone. Let me tell you, trial and error when you're sleep deprived, sore and not sure what the fuck you're doing, is really annoying! "Ain't nobody got time for that" There is this protective instict that kicks in as soon as your baby pops into the world that is really a saving grace. Everything you've heard about instict is ture. Trust your gut, even the farts. Having said that, there is a societal expectation and pressure that says mothers must perform a certain way, or have a handle on everything. This is not true. Like I said earlier, first time moms are new at this. We are human after all and then there is that whole trial and error thing. But what I think is a leading source for not only my tendency to "bitch out" but that of a lot of new moms, is the pressure and expectation to be "on" all the time and to know exactly the right thing to do all the time. I know that for me, this pressure and essentially fear of not getting it right, is a huge reason I am anxious to go out. Fear of being labled a "bad mom" puts unnescessary preasure on us. So what if my baby starts crying in the grocery store, so what if my hair looks like it hasn't washed in 4 days, It hasn't! So what if things aren't picture perfect like I thought they'd be while still pregnant. So what if my lululemons serve as not only yoga pants, but pants for every other function. My other pants don't fit anymore! The pressure we feel from the outside world often translates into self impossed pressure at home. Feeling as though we aren't fulfilling our duty as wife and mother while still trying to include yourself in there somewhere. Add all that on top of dealing with your own emotional nightmare. Sleep deprivation plus hormonal changes plus crying baby and your own personal body odor equal bitch! I mean, is that really a shock to anyone?
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It's a strange feeling coming home to a place that is your sanctuary, place of comfort, family and familiarity, where everything is the same and in it's place yet everything has changed. It all looks the same but the feeling and energy, the atmosphere is in transition.
We came home that mornig buzzing on a natural high with our new baby boy, exhausted, thrilled, euphoric and without the slightest idea what to do next. I had never changed a diaper before, I'd never even held an infant before. It was just me, Tony and a brand new baby about to wing it. We were both so raw, me a little more literally then Tony. We brought him into his nursery, stood there cluless, changed him and stared at each other. I needed to lie down and rest desperately so we made a mini home for ourselves in our bedroom. Me with Holden sleeping on my chest, Tony beside me, and snacks in between. Sleep was not happening, for either of us. We would zone out momentarily then be in awe again of the little boy we'd just created. There had never been more love in that room before. We tried to sort out how we would navigate the next few days with me not being able to move very far or very quickly and both of us feeling as though we are navigating unchartered territory wearing boots two sizes to big. Like we seem to do in most situations, we talked about a plan and then just let things happen as they happen. Frankly, how else are you suposed to do these things. Tony was attentive and catered to my every need. He brought me food in bed, helped me up when things were too sore and took care of the dogs. He cleaned, prepared meals, made phone calls, learned how to make me a perfect cup of tea, did the laundry and groceries. He did everything execpt wipe my ass that first week, although he did change the majority of diapers too! For someone who loves to do things for herself, this was a really nice change of pace. Ladies, if you have a husband who does this for you, savour every minute of it! It's pure joy at a time when everything seems so new, chaotic and raw. As the first week came to it's end I was starting to get really anxious about Tony going back to work. How was I going to take care of our baby all day long alone? I had a million people say they would come over and help and I knew they would have but I was emotional and needed to rest so didn't ask. I must have cried for an hour the first morning he left for work. I was exausted from not sleeping, scared to be left alone, sore, and having a hellish time breastfeeding. The only two people I wanted around me at that time were my husband or my mom. It didn't take long to develop what I call an "evolving routine". We have basic outline of how each day is going to unfold but it's not strict. Babies change constantly. They are growing, developing new skills, becoming more alert, obsorbing their surroundings and are getting used to things just like we are. I decided very early on that I wasn't going to torture myself with routine. Mornings are usually the same and so are evenings but the day is Holdens time to do what he needs to do. If he is going through a growth spurt he usually naps a lot and I am able to take that time for myself. (I love growth spurts!) If he is having a tummy ache he wants to be held all the time, which I love equally as much as time for myself. Some days he is wide awake and wants to interact with me. So I read to him and he mimicks the sounds of the words I'm reading while he wiggles on the floor or bounces in his jolly jumper. On days we have errends to run we have freedom to do that without feeling like we need to wait for nap time to be over or rush back for it. Of course every baby is different and sometimes a solid routine is best. I've let myself wonder in a differnt direction then originally intended here. I wanted to touch on what it's like returning home after everything's changed. Basically everything looks the same. The pictures are all hung in the same spots, the furniture hasn't moved, the walls are the same colour, the lawn still hasn't been mowed but the feeling you get when you enter your home is changed. The aura or atmosphere of the home is different. It's in transition that first day and week. It takes time to settle and take on it's new energy. There is another person to accomodate for now, what his energy is and how we are as a family all effect how the feeling of the home will be. We each have different rolls in the home now and settling into them takes adjusting. Now that I have fully accepted and fallen into my roll as Mom our home feels like our lair, or kingdom. It's the place I am most comfortable, safe and relaxed and because I am so calm and settled at home my boy picks up that energy and is calm and settled too. Allowing this transition to happen organically is important. At a time when everything is new and uncertain, forcing something will only create unrest and chaos. I had to allow myself to let go of the idea of perfection that first week. The house was in disoray which for me is choas as I like things to be in their place and "pretty". I was topless basically all the time, there were pillows all over the house as I experimented with different breastfeeding positions. We stopped eating in the dining room and camped out on the couch or the bedroom. I noticed onced I found what worked for me and how I was comfortable the rest of the house felt it and settled too. Tony's colour returned and his shoulders slid down from his ears. The dogs were less restless and most importantly Holden was more easily soothed. Not only did this help me realize how my energy effects our son, it helped me see how much I effect the house as a whole. I can't have a bad day without it changing the "feeling" of our home. I have a big, often loud personality, I wear my heart on my sleeve and am very outspoken. Since realizing how much my comfort or lack there of changes the comfort of the home, developing a meditation practice became more important then ever. Finding out you're pregnant is an exciting time. It's a flurry of emotions mostly centered around happiness, joy and new begginings and for the most part that is exactly what it is. In my experience, once the shock of discovering I was in fact with child wore off the above emotions set in and I was too enthraeled to eat, sleep, form proper sentences, the works. It wasn't unitl I got into the swing of things, so to speak, that the happy go lucky thoughts about pregnacny started to fade and reality set in. Don't get me wrong, the entire experience is incredible and is truly a miracle, no doubt, but there are things that poeple don't share with you that you're often left to discover on your own and shock the shit out of Google along the way. The little things that seem huge at the time, that if you stop to really think about make perfect sense. But when you're pregnant you have enough thoughts racing through your mind, so being prepared with all the info upfront can be comforting if not informative. 1. Too Tired to Even... The first trimester is the worst for exaution. This one isn't really a surprise but the full impact this exaution has might be. This is more then being a bit sleepy or unrested. This is the kind of tired where if you could pee in your pants and get away with it you would because the bathroom is too far and you feel faint getting there. I've never been a good sleeper and only on the rarest occastions take naps, but throughout this period of my pregnancy I slept the entire night through and even remember sleeping through my husbands alarm on several occasions. On my days off, instead of going to the gym or running errands I would nap. Netflix would be on and I would be in a comatose state on the couch often waking up to the obnoxious Netflix message "Are you still watching?" I even fell asleep at work!! Thankfully I work with understanding women and we weren't busy at the time. On top of feeling tired all the time, you're dizzy too. Try standing up after sitting too long compounded with feeling nausiated and dizzy. It's basically the same feeling you get when you've drank too much and are about to throw up. That feeling for the first 3 months, every day, all day long. Some days are worse then others, and if you're anything like me, you'll see the "ok" days as opportunities to get shit done. Run the errands that you put off, hit the gym hard to make up for your absense, meet up with friends to catch up etc. Let me tell you, it is not worth it! You'll spend the next day or two paying for it. You may as well have gone out on a week long bender and be going through withdrawl, cuz thats how it feels. So take this time to get your lazy on. Seriously. 2. BOOBS One of the first indicators that you might be pregnant may be your breast are swollen and extremly tender. I usually experience this as part of my regular cycle but this time they were seriously sore. Again, something totally normal but what noone tells you is how they continue to grow as your pregnancy progesses. Be prepared to experiment a lot with bras. Infact start saving now for all the money you'll throw away on stupid bras that you'll grow out of by the time you get them home. In my case I went from a modest 34A to an obnoxious, in your face, 34DD!! How is that even possible? I thought I'd flop forward with the added weight! And try finding a bra that size, they dont exsist! If you're lucky enough to find one, you'll soon discover that your spilling tit out the sides of the bra. Fun fact: during pregnany your breast grow out to the sides more then they do any other way. This is so strange. Imagine your inner arms brushing against your breast. And this growth starts right away. You'll probobly spend good money on pretty bras from Victorias Secret and La Senza before giving in and asking for help in a materiny store where you'll be buying a "mom bra". Large, boring, full coverage, full support bras. But wait, the fun isn't over, you're breast haven't reached their full monstrosity yet! In the last few weeks as you approach your due date they'll get bigger still and once you have your baby and your milk comes in, they'll become so huge and hard you'll regret having ever wished for bigger boobs. Back to the maternity store you'll go to get their biggest nursing bra only to leak milk all over it. Since we're on the topic let me be the first to tell you that when your milk comes in, and it will weather your nursing or not, is not a pleasant experience. You'll miss the out of control side boob spilling of your pregnancy. Now they'll become hard and lumpy and extremely tender. One breast will often be bigger then the other, think really bad boob job. Couple that with sore, cracked and often bloody nipples and you will start to wonder how we made it as a species. Basically your breasts will grow exponentially in an awkard way and you'll spend too much money experimenting with bras. 3.Swollen and Juicy Readers discression is advised! This one is something that I had to discover completely on my own. No one told me my labia would become swollen! EW! I was going about my morning routine feeling rather uncomfortable down there. By this point in my pregnancy I had lost sight of my vagina. Not that I was neglecting it but that my belly had grown so much I couldn't just look down and see it. I had to stand on my tippy toes to take a peek in the mirror at what was going on. OMG is that normal! Whats happening to me! What was happening was the weight of my uterus and all the blood flowing to that area was putting pressure on my lady parts and caused them to become swollen. Totally normal and nothing to worry about and comes and goes. I found it to be more promenant the more I walked or exercised making my activities very uncomfotable and frusteratring. This is not an area I want to feel chafing with every step I take! Really though, as if we aren't experiencing enough discomfort, our vaginas swell too! Come on! Of course it doesn't just stop there, why would it. We are women and can take on anything. There seems to be no limit to the shit we can edure so lets compound our already swollen and uncomfortable nether region with even more moisture! While pregnant your body will produce more discharge, keeping everything perfectly sterile and clean for you and your baby. So invest in panty liners. You will need them not only for the added moisture but the minor leakage you'll expoerience if you laugh to hard at all the ridiculouness of this experience. 4. Not everyone cries Most people think highly emotional women when they think pregnancy. This is true for the most part. Your sense are hightened and you are flooded with an abundance of hormones. Everything is new and changing and it is overwhelming to say the least. But not everyone has the classic breakdown and cry over everything responce. I couldn't stop laughing! I felt the most hated and judged when the ladies in my pre-natal yoga class were discussing how emotional they have been. They were struggling with keeping it together throughout the day. TV adds, their husbands, a song, thier own thoughts, all seemed to trigger a reaction resulting in tears, anger and confusion. They were all relating to eachother and offering support when I pipped up and said I've been having to opposite problem. I was met with blank stares. Literally everything would make me erupt into uncontrolable laughter! I couldn't stop it. I would think about something or hear something slightly hummourous and be incompasitated with laughter. My husband, who is a goof ball already would get me laughing so hard I wouldn' be able to breathe, tears would soak my face and I would just be doubled over in silent laughter until I could inhale again. This happend all the time! My dogs would get me laughing, my own absent mindedness would get me going, and even the few times I did become emotional, I would start laughing! It was really odd but made things fun. I remember sitting on the couch completely alone and bursting into laughter at nothing more then a silly thought! 5. It's ok Finding out your expecting is overwhelming and you may think you need to completly change everything you're doing. Unless you eat fast food everyday, are a drug addict or a drunk, you can carry on with life as normal. Don't get me wrong, things will change and you won't have any control over it but for the most part your fine as you are. I was hitting the gym pretty hard before I found out I was with child and my biggest regret is not maintaining that routine throughout my pregnancy. I was practicing yoga daily and would often run for close to an hour before hand. On days where I had more time I would do weights, HIIT or kettlebell classes. I basically stopped everything! In my defense I was very tired throughout the first trimester and would take the odd class here and there, toning way down the weights I would normally lift and walking instead of running on the treadmil. I did pre-natal yoga and went for walks daily around my neibourhood. So, I stayed fairly active but the stigma that one must not work out is outdated and saved for women of high risk. I got in my head too much and let anxiety lead me. If you have a regular work out routine already established pre-pregnancy, you do not need to change it. Adjust it as you get bigger but there is no need to stop. Food and cravings are a big one. The way I see it is this may very well be the one time in a womans life where we can eat without guilt. Within reason of course, but I see no reason to limit or deny yourself as long as the bulk of your food intake is nutritionally dense. Take your prenatal and eat a well balanced diet. Of course fresh foods are always best and your body will naturally crave nutritious foods anyway, but if your craving cookies, eat a cookie, hell eat two cookies! It's ok. There is a lot of "do this, do that" when it comes to pregnancy. If your gut is telling you something listen to it, and of course the professionals, but for the most part you will know instinctively what is right and that is ok. It seems once you become pregnant you open yourself up to a world of free, unsolicited advice, often from the most unusual and unwelcome sources. Advice on anything from what to eat/drink or not to eat/drink to how to prevent stretch marks to how to induce labour. Most of this information is based on personal experience or old wives tales and bares little to no actual evidence that it's helpful. This advice is harmless and usually just gives people an easy go to topic when trying to start conversation. Some of it may actually be helpful or comforting at times. Friends, family and strangers are all going to offer up some form of advice as soon as they hear the word "pregnant". But it's the weird, try not to laugh or get offended advice that I'm talking about today.
When it comes to the after birth many cultures have customs and practices that are totally normal and part of the birth experience and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. I do not live in one of those cultures and although I am a bit odd and am considered a hippie by most, I did not consider saving my placenta for a minute. Well, beyond the minutes that the midwives save it for examination after the birth that is. The most memorable bit of unsolicited advice I received was from one of the most bizare, loud and somewhat reckless customers our store sees. This woman is a regular and we all know her truck when she pulls in. We all look around at each other in a knowing way and mentally prepare ourselves for the bombardment that is about to bestow itself upon us. On this particular day I was the lucky soul who would get to serve her. At this point in my pregnancy I was what I often referred to as "obnoxiously pregnant". My belly entered a room long before I did and I had a pretty good waddle going on. My hands found themselves comfortably resting on top of my belly while chatting with customers and if I needed an out, I would simple rub my belly and excuse myself. To the majority of people I was a joy to see. They would take an extra few minutes to talk to me and kindly ask me how I'm feeling and share their experiences with me. I enjoyed countless conversations like this and made a few friends this way as well. I never had to bite the inside of my lip to prevent from laughing out loud at them. I must have gnawed the inside of my lip raw the day it was adamantly suggested to me to save and freeze my placenta. I know a lot of people do this and that is totally fine, to each their own, but what made this suggestion so laughable to me was the way it was so adamantly suggested. Of course my belly was the topic of conversation and the customer was curious to know weather I was having a hospital birth or home birth. I freely explained that we had chosen a midwife to guide us through a natural birth at a birthing centre. This seemed to invite the placenta advice. "Oh good, you're probably already doing this then..." Let me paint a picture for you. This woman is your classic cliche of a French Canadian woman. She is loud, opinionated, smells a bit of cigarettes, and has unforgivable hair. I swear her hair gets jostled around so much while she wildly tells her stories that it keeps wiggling an extra 5 minutes after her story is done. Her eyes seem to pop out at you from across the counter, making it nearly impossible not to make eye contact, and she is a grabby talker. As though every conversation is interactive, she often reaches out to physically involve you in her stories. And she is anything but gentle! So when I found myself involved in this conversation I knew I was in for the long haul. "You have to freeze the placenta. No question. You never know when you'll need it again. You could cut yourself and the fastest way to heal it is by tearing a piece of placenta and putting it on the cut. You'll freeze the placenta right?" WTF? Was this really being suggested to me? I politely smiled and nodded, saying I've heard about this but didn't say yes or no to saving it. My co-workers fell silent, listening to the conversation I was trapped in. Their silence was deafening. She continued saying that it's the only way to do it and that if she had ever had children it what she would have done. If the baby gets hurt, use a piece of the placenta to heal the baby, if I get hurt the same. I could even eat it and share it with my baby for even more benefits. She went on and on, not letting me get a word in edge wise, but for once I was grateful for that. What the hell does one say to this? I had heard all of this before so just kept nodding. "If you go online you can find all sorts of recipes for your placenta. Placenta muffins, placenta pancakes..." What? By now I was sure there was a hole being chewed through the side of my mouth! Who would I share these muffins with? was all I could think about. Oh I'll have my baby and bring in placenta muffins to share with everyone. Yummy! Im sure someone somewhere had made these "treats" and part of me is curious to see the recipe but Google will never forget I searched for that and that's too much for me to live with! My head was spinning with judgment of her that I don't remember how the conversation ended. All I remember was her finally walking toward to door, stopping to turn around and say "Make sure you freeze that placenta" and then leaving. I walked over to my coworkers who were speechless. We all looked at each other for a minute then burst out laughing for a good few minutes! So much so I of course had to pee! Although I have not looked up recipes for these bazaar muffins and pancakes it is common practice to save the placenta for a myriad of reasons. It is nutrient dense and can offer healing and most importantly, it is basically a medical data sheet for your babies health. I chose not to save mine and although I find eating it totally weird, it is a personal decision and warrants respect. What I do feel needs more attention is the practice of saving the umbilical cord. This can truly be a life saver to more then just your own baby. There are banks were one can save them but the fees are astronomical so I would recommend donating it to a family in need or even to research. At then end of the day, being pregnant is one of those things where everyone has an opinion. I chose to look at most of these opinions and offers of free advice as an opportunity to get a good laugh, although I did try a few of the suggestion when I was tired of being a beached whale. In my 38th week I was so over being pregnant I literally ate a jalepeno paper raw, had more sex then a rabbit, did squats followed by jumping squats, bounced on an exercise ball constantly, went for walks and made pitchers of raspberry leaf tea and drank only that. I went into labour on the first day of my 39th week. Do these things really work? I don't know, but I had a lot of fun that last week and my glutes look good. |
Author30 years old and finally did something in life worth talking about. Candid, naked truths about life from my perspective. Archives |